My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
