cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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