I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
