best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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