We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's just like the Real World with babies
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
