You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
