i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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