even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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