god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
