The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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