I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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