I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I need moral support for this bender
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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