I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
