I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
