My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
