He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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