Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
