I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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