Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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