The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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