My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
