My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
