wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
