She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
