the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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