i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
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I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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