When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
