I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
