you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
