i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
