i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
