it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
there is glitter all over my balls
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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