I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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