You're a womanizer and a bitch.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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