I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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