Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
