ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
