someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
