he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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