oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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