if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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