wanna go halves on a baby?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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