What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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