your parents love me but you hate me
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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