i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
