when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
