please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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