my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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