I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
