Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
