At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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