The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
and you fell through a lawn chair
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
