be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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