to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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