when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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