I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
