a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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