It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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