Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
