When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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