Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
