I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
