My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
