Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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