I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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