omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.