Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.