Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
